It's been a long-time coming, so don't get any ideas.
I've decided that once and for all, I will have to go 'Friends only.' It sucks, I know, but I have to protect myself as well as others here. There are so many reasons that I can't go into right now.
I wanted to make an impressive friends only banner, but I don't have the time or energy. I've been considering this on and off over the last few weeks, and it's best if it goes this way. The majority of my entries from yesterday and from the last few years will remain public, I don't feel the need to go and make all those friends only too. Too many entries and not enough time, really, is what it comes down to.
Read Me First
So. Here's your announcement.
Had a nice talk with Alex today. It kinda sucked because we kept getting cut off. =/ At any rate, I feel good about things. I know that he's sort of being devil's advocate and that's ok. I dunno. Life is crazy. In the time I managed to talk to him I made things as right as I could do, and said mostly everything that needed saying. Roger is in the fishhouse with 4 more hours of Anime, Glitch is service-projecting and Tim is...reading...? I dunno. I guess the new suitemate arrived today.
I did laundry, yay!, and had a good lunch (bagel and cream cheese). Love having insults thrown at me, it makes me laugh. Sticks and stones, love, sticks and stones.
Snow is crazy. And it wasn't freakishly cold outside today. I think it got up to 35 today. wow. So happy. Jess is back, yay and U2 is going to NY in May, and I need tickets. Yeah.
Need to call the boyfriend too. again.
anyway, that's all for now.
So after putting a cornbag on my back for about 45 minutes, I feel better. It might have been the painkillers I took plus heat, but I feel better, that's all that matters really. heh.
And I went to the bookstore to get my books and alas, they are not in yet. People are starting to filter onto my floor again and yeah, life is pretty. I should go to Fish house for coffee. Maybe I'll make tea instead.
In general I am much more happy with the world as things are. I left a voicemail on Alex's cell, so I'll call him later tonight. Hopefully he'll answer.
I am tired. I need to knit/have a nap.
Met a new Tim a few days ago. To save confusion he will be known as Glitch. He's nice, but can read me like a book, and that scares me. we've been talking for ages and stuff about relationships and problems and stuff and he honestly thinks I should break up with CJB because "your life is here, in MI, and he's there." I guess it makes sense, but there's no reason to break up with him at this time. we're not fighting, we get along, and there's nobody here I really want to date anymore. Except maybe Andy.
I need to run to the bookstore later today, hopefully it will all work out alright and my book might be in and yeah. I'm exhausted and I ache all over.
I was up late last night contemplating everything Glitch said to me. It's hard for me to make sense of it. Alex called me last night, I think I'll call him later this evening, hopefully I'll get ahold of him. There's a lot of stuff I have to talk to him about. I love him so much, I really do. I miss him a lot more than I let myself realize though, and it hurts me that so much is going on that we can't control. I hate being so far away from him.
I just hope that I make sense and my conversational nuances are recognized and understood.
I hate having to deal with this crap. Seriously, I do. I'm going to try not going to say anything negative or derogatory. And if I do, well, that can't be helped.
There are a lot of reasons why I refuse to deal with things via livejournal. It's like LJ Drama. And I hate LJ drama almost as much as I hate RL drama. So, get over it. Seriously. It's not that difficult to find my email address. I had it before I left BHS, so most of you BHSers would have had it already. If you don't already, you know of at least one person that does.
But this is not about most BHSers. There are reasons for my putting boundaries up in certain places. They are not overly strategic, they are not overly complicated. I hold my friends very close to me in a lot of ways. I've lost a lot of friends who think that just because I get a little attention and they are not paid as much attention, that I have become a bad person, evil and going out of my way to make their lives miserable. It happened with Elizabeth, it happened with Heather. Elizabeth retaliated my sudden popularity because I was upset and moving away, and being ripped from my core environment, the only environment I ever really knew or could remember. Her parents, Megan's parents and Patrick's parents all felt sympathy for me because they knew that I was upset and volatile. They knew that moving would destroy me. She got jealous because, on only a very few occasions, I was given more attention, a little more sympathy, and a little more compassion than she was. She had no reason to be upset. Yet she was. And one day it came to such a place that I left Megan's house crying.
It's funny that the almost exact situation is happening now, almost 8-9 years later. Graduating was me being ripped out of my environment. There are new players, new circumstances. I'm not trying to be a stick in the mud, really, I'm not. Of course I am quite aware that I am not going to be believed (by some, anyway). I don't care. If you think this is all about Alex you're quite mistaken. Only a TEENSY TINY part of it is about Alex. He knows what I think. As long as he knows how I feel, that's all that matters. Mostly it's because of this whole "renewed" image people are trying to portray. It's quite a normal thing to try to change yourself after a breakup. We've all done it. However, I take great joy in looking at situations and seeing people who say they changed but really haven't. When Heather broke up with Trey, she went on a whole new "renewing" spurt. That in itself is okay. I've done it too. I just love seeing how little things have actually changed.
I'm tired of the ranting. I'm tired of the BS. It's to the point where I am sick and tired of being told how I should react. I'm not that easily molded. I'm not easy to manipulate. And I know that's what she wants to happen. She wants me to forget all the things that have happened. The main thing I'm pissed about is that I find so much of my information out through third parties, and that pisses me off more than anything. I'd rather hear it from somebody else. Most of you BHSers know my take on a lot of these current situations. Not many of you agree with me, but you at least respect my feelings and opinions.
Bottom line is I want Alex to be happy. I don't have to like who he's dating, I don't have to approve of who he's dating. I will (generally) hold my tongue on these things. But he also knows me well enough that I don't have to say those things; he already knows them. All that matters to me is Alex's happiness. He knows that, I know that, and everybody else should know that. So there we go. It's officially on the record now.
And just for the record, my gripe/issue policy is, and will continue to be in place until the end of time.
thank you for your time.
(edit: I'm fully aware of the Backlash I will get for this. I am aware of the flames and hate posts I will receive. So, in closing once more, BRING IT ON.)
Okay, Imma be home for Spring Break.
12th March - 20th March. Yeah. Rock on.
Call me/email me/leave a comment if you wanna hang
slept in til 11 this morning...it felt great. I seriously keep freaking out about stuff.
I finished my scarf (woo) but really what happened was I got frustrated with how it didn't seem to be growing then i tried it on and it was just about long enough so I just stopped working on it.
Then I took the yarn I had left and made it into this HUGE ball of yarn, very cool, and then Tim shows up and offers for me to watch Spider-Man 2 with Jeff, Marissa and a few other people. I turned him down mostly because I was pissed about assassins and his role in my getting killed (he was a witness) and i knew if I came to watch the movie with them he'd read into it too much. It's amazing sometimes how often that happens.
Anyway, at the Game big!Jarrod came with us. It was great. little!Jared was supposed to come, but didn't email Steph in time. Oh, and our new suitemate is also called Steph. I haven't met her yet, and hopefully she'll be quieter than what we've been dealing with, but I doubt it highly.
i found some beautiful Icons and yeah, life is good. Yeah. once I email Carrie I'll show you pics of the skit we did for German.
So, "The" game was last night. And I knew the Calvin/Hope rivalry was big, however, I never realized it until last night. Calvin and Hope were baiting one another with cheers like "Go home sober" (Calvin to Hope students) and the such. It was a lot of fun.
We won 66-54, and also the refs very much were biased to Hope. grr. Anyway yeah, our chaplain, known as Coop, started leading cheers. The guy is totally like 65 or 70, and he's jumping and screaming along with the rest of us. Heh.
the calvin bookstore employees are selfish bastards